Block 1 Articles list for The Real You and Me Relationship Program
- Article 1 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 1
- Article 2 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 2
- Article 3 - Self-Awareness in Conflict: Notice Before You React
- Article 4 - Creating Lasting Change in Relationships
- Article 5 - Team Mindset
- Article 6 - Navigating personality differences in relationships
- Article 7 - How to Build Long-Term Relationship Success
In our first session, we explored how our personalities take shape—not as fixed traits, but as patterns we picked up through life. Strategies that once helped us feel safe or get our needs met became habits. Over time, they matured into what we now call “just the way I am.”
We also looked at the autopilot system—how our brains interpret what’s happening around us without conscious thought, especially in conflict moments when awareness can slip away and we enter survival mode.
This system is deeply tied to our mental filters—those invisible lenses through which we perceive the world, and especially our partner.
These filters influence our reactions, often without us realizing. That’s why two people can go through the same moment and walk away with completely different emotional experiences.
And that’s the big idea:
Understanding each other starts with accepting that we’re wired differently. Compassion grows when we recognize that our partner’s perspective isn’t wrong—it’s just not ours.
That’s why learning to notice your own internal experience—your body’s signals, emotional patterns, and default stories—is the heart of staying grounded when conflict arises.
Why Self-Awareness Is Essential in Conflict
This second part focuses on what it means to stay emotionally aware in the heat of conflict—those moments when emotions take over and communication breaks down. We’ll also begin to look at why change can feel hard to sustain, even when we know what we want to do differently. (We’ll come back to this more in Part 2.)
But for now, let’s begin where most arguments start—not with what’s said, but with what’s heard.
Triggers: The Emotional Landmines We Forget Exist
Only a few things affect our ability to respond intentionally more than understanding our own triggers.
Triggers often come out of nowhere. You’re having a normal moment, and then something shifts. It might be a tone of voice, a facial expression, or a pause that lasts just a little too long.
Suddenly, you’re not just irritated—you’re activated. Angry. Defensive. Or maybe withdrawn.
These situations often feel much bigger than they are, because they’re not really about the present moment. They’re shaped by what the moment reminds you of—consciously or not.
And most of the time, we don’t even realize we’ve been triggered until we’re already in it.
This is where conflict often gets misinterpreted. On the surface, it looks like a disagreement about something small. But underneath? It’s often about past experiences, unmet needs, and unspoken expectations we didn’t even realize we were carrying.
And usually, both people are in that state at the same time—each reacting from their own emotional history.
How to Recognize When You’re Being Triggered
The earlier you catch it, the more choice you have in how to respond.
The Enneagram is a great help here. It maps out the unconscious fears, needs, and stress responses you and your partner have. Not to put you in a box—but to help you notice the patterns you may not be aware of, especially when things get difficult. Noticing your patterns is the most challenging thing at the beginning, because our patterns are second nature to us and everything usually falls into the “norm” or “this is just how things are” category.
From a CBT perspective, this process of reacting follows the same sequence:
- Something happens
- You interpret it (automatically)
- Your brain responds to that interpretation by activating the body to be ready to what you perceived
- Then emotion and behavior follow the lead.
This isn’t just about what you think—it’s also what your body does.
Your heart rate rises. Your breathing changes. Your muscles tense. You may feel hot, tense, or disconnected.
The body’s not reacting to what’s happening now—it’s reacting to what it believes is happening based on past experience.
Learning to notice these internal shifts early gives you the chance to choose a different path—rather than defaulting to old reactions.
Emotions Are Signals—Not Threats
Your feelings are valid. They matter. But they’re not always a reliable map of what’s actually going on.
What we feel is a reflection of our perception and biochemistry. And perception is filtered—by memory, stress, fear, beliefs. So your emotional reaction may be true to your experience, but not necessarily to the full picture of what you are facing.
That’s not a problem. It’s just something to be aware of.
Being able to pause and notice what you’re feeling—without needing to act on it immediately—is a powerful skill. It helps you move from reaction to choice (response).
The more we practice emotional awareness in tense moments, the more we can respond to what’s really happening—not just to what we believe or fear is happening.
Self-Regulation: The Space Between Trigger and Reaction
If there’s one thing to take away from this part, let it be this:
Self-regulation is the space between what you feel and what you do with it.
It’s your ability to pause, even briefly, and notice:
- What’s happening in your body
- What emotion is rising
- What story your mind is starting to tell
Often the story comes fast. Something like: “They don’t care,” or “I’m not safe here.” But if you catch the physical cue first—tension in the body… clenched jaw…—you gain a small window of awareness.
And in that window, you can choose something different.
Strategic Pauses as a Tool for Connection
Taking a pause during conflict isn’t weakness—it’s a way to protect the connection.
It’s okay to say:
“This matters to me, and I want to keep talking. But I need a minute to calm down so I can hear your point of view.”
That’s not avoidance. It’s a form of emotional maturity.
And when this becomes a shared agreement between you, it’s even more powerful. It gives both of you permission to step out of reactivity—not out of the relationship, but into a moment of recalibration.
This was actually once of the important aspects of conflict management I learned in family therapy with my wife.
Our conflicts had a tendency to spiral to a point where emotions took over our capacity to communicate with reason and logic, so we learned to take a pause when we felt a boiling point approaching.
The pause can be challenging, but that short break can prevent a conversation from spiraling into something it never intended or needed to become.
Decide How You Want to Show Up in Conflict
When you’re caught in reactivity, it’s hard to show up as your best self.
That’s why it helps to decide ahead of time:
- Who do I want to be when things get tense? How I want to show up?
- How do I want to respond when I feel hurt or misunderstood? What will help us get what we need?
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about creating a reference point you can come back to.
Maybe you want to be someone who:
- Listens without getting defensive
- Speaks clearly and calmly even under stress
- Stays engaged, despite what you perceive, instead of shutting down
- Being curious about your partners understanding of the situation instead of making their behaviour be about you.
When you know how you want to show up, it becomes easier to interrupt the pattern of how you’ve always been.
That’s what we mean by “intentional response.” You’re creating a new possibility inside a familiar moment.
Speak Your Needs—Not Your Blame
When we’re hurt or overwhelmed, it’s easy to fall into blame:
“You never listen.” “You always twist my words.” “You just don’t care.”
But those phrases usually create more distance.
Instead, try expressing what you need:
“This is what I want you to hear from me at the moment...” “It was not my intention to make you feel this way, what I want is...” “Share what action will help you see that your partner cares.”
This doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be eloquent.
It just has to be honest and driving opportunity for alternative action together.
Because the goal here isn’t to win. It’s to stay connected—to yourself and to each other—even when it’s hard.
What’s Next: Expectations + the Foundation for Change
Before we wrap up this part, there’s one more layer to bring in.
A lot of emotional reactivity comes from unmet or unspoken expectations. Things we assumed our partner would know or do—without actually clarifying them. And when those expectations aren’t met, we react and most often than not with “negative” reactivity.
At the center of shifting that pattern is one skill: staying emotionally aware when it’s hardest to do so—especially in conflict.
We’ll explore that more in Lecture 3.
But in Part 2, we’ll focus on what helps change become lasting—not just a good idea in theory, but a lived reality in your relationship. We’ll look at how your brain creates new patterns, how to support each other’s growth, and how to build the kind of emotional environment that helps both of you shift—together.
Staying aware during conflict won’t eliminate tension—but it gives you a tool to stay grounded, even when your emotions run high.
Because real connection isn’t built in the easy moments. It’s built in how we show up in the hard ones.
Full Article List for Block 1 - The Real You and Me Relationship Program
- Article 1 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 1
- Article 2 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 2
- Article 3 - Self-Awareness in Conflict: Notice Before You React
- Article 4 - Creating Lasting Change in Relationships
- Article 5 - Team Mindset
- Article 6 - Navigating personality differences in relationships
- Article 7 - How to Build Long-Term Relationship Success
FAQ for Part 1: Self-Awareness in Conflict – Noticing Before Reacting
How can I tell when I’m being triggered?
You often don’t notice right away. Triggers feel like they come out of nowhere—one moment everything’s fine, the next you’re suddenly tense, withdrawn, angry, or overwhelmed. Look for early signs in your body: a tight chest, clenched jaw, faster heartbeat. These reactions often come from old experiences, not the present moment.
What’s the difference between reacting and responding?
Reacting is what happens when your autopilot takes over—your brain interprets a situation based on past experiences and your body follows. Responding means pausing, becoming aware of what you’re feeling, and choosing how you want to engage. It’s the difference between spiraling and recalibrating.
Why do small moments sometimes feel so big in conflict?
Because your mental filters are involved. You’re not just responding to your partner’s words—you’re responding to what they represent to you. A tone, a pause, or a look can echo something old. What feels like a new fight is often an old pattern.
Is it okay to pause a conversation when emotions run high?
Absolutely. Taking a pause isn’t avoidance—it’s strategic recalibration. You’re protecting the connection by stepping out of reactivity and into self-awareness. Even saying, “I care about this and I want to keep talking—but I need a few minutes to calm down,” can shift the entire dynamic.
How do I speak up when I’m triggered without blaming?
Start by identifying what you need—not what your partner is doing wrong. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a moment to gather myself.” It doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be honest and self-connected.
