The Real You and Me

Creating Lasting Change in Relationships

July 9, 2025
By Alen Leit

About the article:

Insight isn’t enough. This article explores how real relationship change happens—through repetition, reflection, and courage at the edge of your comfort zone.

Block 1 Articles list for The Real You and Me Relationship Program

We ended the last section with a crucial insight: self-awareness is a prerequisite to creating real, lasting change. But awareness alone doesn’t rewire our habits. If that were true, most of us would’ve changed long ago. So the real question is—what helps change stick?

If you’ve ever come home from a retreat, workshop, or webinar feeling inspired—but found yourself back in old habits within weeks—you’re not alone.

Understanding How Real Change Works

Insight can feel like change, but without integration, it doesn’t last.

Why? Because your autopilot system—the neural patterns that govern how you perceive and react—doesn’t rewire from a single moment of clarity. It rewires through consistent practice.

Your brain learns by repetition and emotional experience. If something is repeated often, especially with emotional significance, it becomes a stronger pathway. If it’s unused, it weakens. The process is very similar to how muscles work.

So the pattern you use the most gets reinforced. The pattern you try once but don’t return to? That one fades away.

This is why deliberate and consistent practice is essential. Not perfection. Practice. Practice until the point the new pattern of action becomes the go-to reaction. It’s how we begin creating lasting change in relationships—not just understanding what needs to shift, but living it moment by moment.

Create New Experiences by Changing the First Link in the Chain

Let’s go back to what happens inside a triggering moment. If something your partner says or does feels hostile, unsafe, or critical, it is your brain pulling perception from past experience and decides what this situation means.

For some people, that leads to pushing back: “I need to protect myself.”
For others, it leads to withdrawing: “I need to get away from this.”
and there are other patters as well.

These are automatic patterns formed by how we interpreted similar situations in the past.

So if you want to change your response, you need to start with that initial interpretation:

What do I usually believe about this kind of situation?
What story am I telling myself?
What does this moment remind me of?

From there, you can ask:

Is there any other explanation to what’s happening?
What would help me show up the way I want to in this moment?

That alternative perception becomes the starting point for rewiring how you respond—and beginning a new behavioral path.

The Role of Repetition in Sustainable Change

Once you’ve clarified how you want to respond alternatively, the next step is repetition. That means:

Practicing your new behavior even when the old one feels easier
Re-engaging with new behavior even if the old pattern got in the way
Expecting that you’ll sometimes slip back into old ways
Returning to the new behavior anyway

Creating lasting change in your relationship means acting differently inside the same moments that used to pull you into the old story.

So you’re not waiting for everything to feel different. You’re choosing to ACT differently, even when it feels strange and despite the usual feelings kicking in.

Practice Happens at the Edge of Your Comfort Zone

There’s a common phrase: “Step outside your comfort zone.” But I believe that’s not quite right.

Change doesn’t happen in a foreign land—it happens at the edge of your current comfort zone. That’s the space where something is unfamiliar but still within reach.

You expand your comfort zone gradually—through experience, not theory. That’s how you grow capacity and be able to stick to consistency. You don’t jump from 0 to 100. You practice stepping into slightly uncomfortable moments and doing one thing differently. Over time, that place that used to feel unfamiliar becomes part of your new normal. Exposition therapy is built on this principal.

This is how personal growth becomes relational growth. It’s how sustainable change in your relationship becomes possible—not by force, but by repetition of alternative action steps in real-life moments. Even when it’s hard.

Use Conflict to Practice Change

When we think about where to apply all this, conflict is one of the most valuable places.

That might sound strange, but hear this: conflict is not the problem. It’s a mirror. It shows you the patterns that need changing—and gives you a chance to try something new.

So instead of avoiding conflict, use it as a space to practice:

Different interpretations
Slower reactions
Clearer communication

And remember, you don’t have to get it perfect. One small shift in the moment already changes the whole experience.

One small step changes the whole dynamic. Especially when you utilize how our memory works. We mostly remember how things start and end.

Creating change that empowers alternative entry points into what was a conflict typically or de-escalating the conflict in alternative ways makes all the difference.

You Don’t Need to Change Everything—Just Shift the Pattern

It’s easy to feel like change means becoming a whole new person. It doesn’t.

You only need to interrupt the loop at one point. That’s enough to create a different outcome.

Even saying, “Let’s take a moment and come back to this,” or “I’m noticing I’m getting flooded—I’ll step out and return in ten minutes,” is a powerful shift (and make sure to follow through).

That’s what creating change that lasts actually looks like—real, imperfect, courageous choice in motion.

You’re not trying to be a super human. You’re showing up with more awareness—and more freedom to choose differently.

Co-Regulation: You’re in This Together

Change doesn’t mean one of you changes while the other watches. You’re not each other’s judges. And neither of you is the “problem.”

Change becomes sustainable when both partners agree:

We’re in this together.

That’s what co-regulation means:

You’re building agreements together.
You’re creating safety to try new responses.
You’re noticing progress and celebrating the shifts, even the small ones.

And this is a big one—you celebrate progress, not perfection.

When your partner tries something new, even if it’s clumsy, you notice it. You name it. You thank them. That emotional validation is part of what rewires the system. It replaces past patterns of conflict with new experiences of support and connection.

Safe Enough to Keep Trying

The truth is: we grow by being safe enough to keep trying.

Not by getting it right every time. Not by pushing ourselves into performance mode.

But by feeling supported enough to make mistakes, try again, and slowly shift how we show up with each other.

That’s what this whole program is about—building that safety, awareness, and intentionality step by step.

And when you do that, the relationship begins to feel more like a space where you both grow. Where you co-create. Where you show up, not to win a fight, but to build something better together.

Full Article List for Block 1 - The Real You and Me Relationship Program

FAQ for Part 2: Creating Change That Lasts

Why isn’t self-awareness enough to change my behavior?

Because insight alone doesn’t rewire habits. Your brain needs repetition and emotional experience to form new patterns. You might know what you want to do differently—but without practicing that new behavior in real moments, your autopilot will keep pulling you back.

What does it mean to 'change the first link in the chain'?

It means shifting how you interpret a moment before you react. Instead of assuming, “They’re attacking me,” you might ask, “What else could this mean?” That small shift in perception gives you space to respond differently and create a new result.

How do I actually make change stick in my relationship?

Not by waiting to feel different—but by acting differently inside the same kinds of moments. Change that lasts comes from showing up with new behavior at the edge of your comfort zone, even when the old pattern would be easier.

What is co-regulation, and why does it matter?

Co-regulation means you’re not doing this alone. You and your partner agree to support each other as you both try new ways of responding. You build shared agreements, celebrate even imperfect efforts, and create a safer space for growth to happen.

What does real progress look like when we’re practicing change?

It looks like pausing before reacting. Like naming your internal state instead of blaming. Like noticing a familiar trigger and choosing a different response. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about interrupting old patterns and showing up with more clarity and care, even just once.

Ready to explore your relationship patterns together?

Discover how the Real You and Me program helps couples understand their differences, reduce emotional reactivity, and build deeper connection through awareness, self-discovery, and compassion.

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