Block 1 Articles list for The Real You and Me Relationship Program
- Article 1 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 1
- Article 2 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 2
- Article 3 - Self-Awareness in Conflict: Notice Before You React
- Article 4 - Creating Lasting Change in Relationships
- Article 5 - Team Mindset
- Article 6 - Navigating personality differences in relationships
- Article 7 - How to Build Long-Term Relationship Success
Revisiting the Foundations
In lectures 1 and 2, we explored key building blocks:
- Lecture 1: Why we react in relationships—covering learned behavior, autopilot systems, perception impact, mental filters, and the need for compassion to nurture mutual understanding.
- Lecture 2: The role of self-awareness in conflict, personal triggers that are like landmines we forget exist, self-regulation basics, and what’s needed to create sustainable change.
Now in Lecture 3, we move into team mindset and taking each others personalities into account.
Why We Get Stuck in “Me vs. You”
One of the biggest challenges in relationships lies within us.
Many of us grew up in environments where making a mistake was framed as you doing wrong on purpose. Over time, this shaped how we respond in conflict—defaulting to:
“You did this to me on purpose” – when partner does something undesirable or misses what you expected from them.
This is how we fall into the “Me vs. You” trap, especially when emotions run high.
How Personalization Hijacks the Connection
Here are common examples where personalization takes over:
📱 When they scroll on their phone while you're talking...
You might think:
“They don’t care about me.”
But the reality could be:
They didn’t realize how important this moment was—or they were soothing anxiety through distraction.
😶 When they go quiet after work...
You might think:
“They’re mad at me. I’m being punished with silence.”
But the reality could be:
They’re having a tough day and trying not to unload it on you.
📅 When they forget something important...
You might think:
“If they loved me, they’d remember. I don’t matter to them.”
But the reality could be:
Stress and distraction affect memory. Forgetfulness ≠ indifference.
This perception is called Personalization – when you believe that what someone else did was about you—that they did it to you on purpose—just because it affected you.
It turns your partner’s action or mood into a personal offense and statement about your worth or relationship.
As mentioned this behavior has been nurtured in us by example through our lives. Great thing is that we can teach our brains new ways.
From Blame to “Us vs. the Problem”
One of the best tools I have discovered through learning about family therapy and experiencing it myself in my marriage is:
Reframing situations from You vs Me → Us vs the Problem.
This shift transforms conflict into collaboration.
When something hard happens, we practice facing it together.
Not “you hurt me, fix it,” but “this situation hurt me—let’s figure it out together how can we approach it differently next time.”
Unmet Expectations: The Hidden Trap
Overcoming personalization starts with noticing your unmet expectations in situations with your partner.
These expectations come from childhood, culture, and past relationships. They become default roles we silently assign each other.
We all carry beliefs about how a “good partner” should act—beliefs shaped by family, culture, or past experiences. But when those silent expectations go unspoken, they become landmines.
Examples:
- A husband can expect a warm welcome and dinner after work because that’s what he grew up with.
- Now, this silent expectation can haunt their relationship with their wife, where constant unmet expectations are triggering conflicts.
- A wife can expect their husband to be the sole provider for the family, because this was the norm in her home and society she grew up in.
- Now, this expectation can constantly clash in the domain of family finances, plans and contribution because the husband has different values and norms he grew up in.
- Scorekeeping
- Blame
- Resentment
- Unfair comparisons
These patterns slowly erode safety and connection, even when love is present.
Co-Creating Your Own Relationship Rules
Both are “right”. There is nothing “wrong” with the way we grew up and what values we drew from those times.
Yet, in a truly supporting and lasting relationship the capacity to compromise and develop new co-created norms is a must. No matter where both of you came from.
What’s considered “fair” is subjective. The goal isn’t equal effort—it’s mutually agreed contribution.
Only you get to decide how will your relationship be between you two.
This principle is at the heart of Block 2 in The Real You and Me Relationship Program—exploring personalities and patterns beyond day-to-day assumptions.
Anchor Your Partnership with Shared Values
To increase the success of building new norms for your family, shared values and clear reason of why you are together is a great support.
Ask yourselves:
- How you want to show up for each other?
- Why it is valuable for you to put in the work to make your relationship work for both of you?
These answers become anchor points—reminders in conflict that keep you aligned with “Us vs. the Problem.”
Speak as a Teammate: From Blame to Ownership
Supporting this perspective is training yourself to use “I” statement, owning your perception, reactions and experience. Moving from blame to communication and creating space for compassion.
Here’s how it can sound:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “You hurt me” | “I feel hurt by what happened.” |
| “You make me angry” | “I feel angry when this happens.” |
| “You did it wrong or messed it up” | “I didn't share how I was expecting it to be with you, let me share now.” |
| “You never help” | “This feels hard for me. Can we find a plan together?” |
Owning your emotions and expectations shifts the conversation from accusation to co-creation.
Knowing about each other, communicating in new ways with ownership of own experiences and respecting each others differences, nurtures safety and co-operation in your relationship.
Learning to own your experiences is a big part of block 3 of The Real You and Me Relationship Program, where we learn to navigate conflict with respect to personality differences.
Reinforce the Team Identity: Celebrate Wins
When you’re learning new ways of relating, it is highly valuable to be the biggest supporters of each other:
- Praise effort: “I saw how you paused to check in with me today. That meant a lot.”
- Celebrate progress: “We handled that better than last time.”
- Encourage growth: “I know that was hard for you—thank you for trying.”
Acknowledging team effort rewires your brain to notice what’s working, not just what’s wrong.
This builds emotional momentum and reinforces your shared identity.
Final Thought: What Teamwork Looks Like in Real Life
Teamwork in relationships is part ownership and part co-creation.
When you start practicing a team mindset in your relationship, everything begins to shift.
Even when the issue is real, the Us vs. the Problem lens protects your connection.
Next, we will learn more about the impact of personality tendencies on relationship dynamics.
Full Article List for Block 1 - The Real You and Me Relationship Program
- Article 1 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 1
- Article 2 - Why We React in Relationships - Part 2
- Article 3 - Self-Awareness in Conflict: Notice Before You React
- Article 4 - Creating Lasting Change in Relationships
- Article 5 - Team Mindset
- Article 6 - Navigating personality differences in relationships
- Article 7 - How to Build Long-Term Relationship Success
FAQ for Team Mindset
What does “team mindset” actually mean in a relationship?
A team mindset means seeing your partner as your ally, not your adversary. Instead of thinking “me vs. you,” you begin to approach challenges as “us vs. the problem.” It’s a shift from blame to collaboration, where both people take ownership of their impact and work together to find solutions.
How do I know if we’re stuck in “me vs. you” thinking?
If most conflicts feel like battles—where one of you wins and the other loses—you’re likely operating from a “me vs. you” mindset. Common signs include blaming, defensiveness, scorekeeping, or taking things personally. This mindset often shows up around unmet expectations and emotional misunderstandings.
Why do small things my partner does feel so personal?
That’s often a sign of personalization—a common cognitive filter where you interpret your partner’s actions as being about you or against you. But often, their behavior reflects their own internal state, not your worth or importance. Learning to pause and get curious helps break this habit.
Can we still have disagreements if we’re a team?
Yes. Being a team doesn’t mean avoiding conflict—it means approaching it differently. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do need to respect how you’re different and commit to handling tension in a way that nurtures connection.
What if my partner isn’t using “I” statements or doesn’t see things the same way?
Change often starts with one person shifting the scenario. Using “I” statements, owning your needs, and inviting conversation (not blame) can model a new dynamic. Over time, that can have a big impact on old outcomes, turning them into new ones. You don’t need perfect agreement—you need consistent effort and openness.
